CHAPTER NUMBER/ONE SHOT: one shot
WHICH TOM/CHARACTER: Actor!Tom
FIC SUMMARY: Tom’s gf is drunk & over sharing.
RATING: Ehh…not smut but I do reference vagina a lot.
AUTHORS NOTES/WARNINGS: So this is my first try. I’m not even sure if this will be a one shot or something more. It was basically just a story I have had floating around in my head for weeks now. I finally felt somewhat ready to show it. Feel free to read & give me feedback.
There isn’t any smut. Just an unnatural amount of slang terms for vagina.
"Are you recording this? Don’t record this…fuck it. I’m drunk, record all you want."
Ben chuckles as he continues to record your drunken verbal tirade. Ben and your closest friend, Clara, had taken you out drinking for your birthday. Tom was out of town filming & you were feeling quite down about the fact that he was missing out. Come on, it’s your birthday!What right did that floofy haired British tart have to actually be out of town fucking working!? Ugh, what a fucking….fuck.
You try to sit up on the couch but in your alcoholic haze your hand misses the side of the couch and you tumble onto the floor. Clara reaches to help you off the floor. You wave your had dismissively.
"It’s all good…the world spins less from down here. Plus the floor is so nice and cool. So cool. Like ice."
You start to laugh as the memories come flooding back.
"Did I ever tell you guys about the first time I had sex with Tom?"
Ben covers his eyes and slowly shakes his head.
"Doll, you & Tom are two of my closest friends. The last thing I want to hear about is you & him fucking."
Clara chuckles. “No, but I’d love to hear it. Ignore that fucking otter and tell the story.”
You slowly sit up and grin at Ben. “Sorry, Sherlock, but this shit is going down.”
~ 1 Year Ago ~
Jesus fucking Christ! What the hell…how does he…does he roll it up like a garden hose? Probably not. Maybe…does he tuck it? No wonder he sits like a whore. All spread legs & shit. How…does he have to use both hands to jack off? WHY AM I THINKING ABOUT THIS? I’M ABOUT TO HAVE SEX WITH TOM MY-COCK-IS-ALL-KNOWING-AND-POWERFUL HIDDLESTON. FUCKING FOCUS!
You try to drag yourself from your thoughts and focus on what is in front of you. It’s Tom. The man you’ve been casually dating for a few weeks. He’s naked. You’re naked. And you two aren’t about to bake some fucking cookies.
He’s going to break my vagina. He’s going to just rip my lady cave to bits. I won’t even have a lady cave after this. It’s going to be the fucking Grand Vagina. People will visit it on their summer vacations. There will be donkey rides to the bottom. Families will pose for pictures in front of it. I could charge them and…
"Darling, are you alright?"
Tom’s question drags you from your thoughts.
"Y-yy-yes. Sorry..I’m just distracted."
"By what, beautiful?" Tom asks as he trails his fingers along your leg from your knee to your hip and back again. You’re both laying on your bed facing each other, enjoying the nakedness and feel of the cool apartment air on your skin.
"Oh…you know…nothing." Shit, that was real fucking smooth, dumbass. Just go ahead and tell him. Tell him you’re scared of his fucking third leg. Cause, really, it’s big enough to BE SOMEONE’S GOD DAMN LEG.
Tom snorts with smiles slightly; his fingers have moved up & are now dancing along the skin of your arm. From elbow to shoulder. Up and down. The feeling seems to be connected directly to your cunt. Since when was your elbow one of your spots?
"I don’t think so. Are you nervous? We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do darling. I promise. We can just lay here. We can cuddle."
You don’t really make out the last part of this sentence. While he was talking his fingers moved and were now tracing your nipple. Slowly and lightly brushing across the taunt peek as he fondles and caresses you. All the thoughts about the fucking anaconda in your bed drift away as you pull him in for a kiss.
When you woke the next morning, Tom was already gone. You roll over to find a note on your nightstand.
Went for a run but I’ll be back later. xx Tom
You smile and place the note back while you get out of bed. As soon as your foot hits the floor, you feel this searing pain in your pussy palace.
He did it…he fucking broke me. I need a doctor. No! No doctor. What would I even say? Yes, doctor, the problem is my boyfriend has literally the biggest fucking wiener I have ever seen and we had sex. I think he broke my vagina. Will you have a look?
You shake your head to clear away the silly comments as you slowly waddle to your dresser and take out a clean pair of panties & a t-shirt.
It takes you longer than you’d like to admit to get dressed but eventually you are clothed and heading for the kitchen for some coffee.
You slowly make your way around the kitchen and get the coffee maker started. Your poor vag feels like it’s going to fall off at any minute or, at the very least, bitch slap you across the face for what you’ve done for her.
You try your best to get comfortable but nothing works. Sitting, standing, leaning against the counter…nothing. The poor Republic of Labia is still hurting.
Maybe I need to ice the muscles. Yeah, that’s it. Ice her down.
You convince yourself this is the best idea you have ever had in your entire life as you grab a clean dish towel from under the sink (ow, ow, ow) and the ice pack from the freezer.
You wrap the ice pack in the towel and hold it between your legs. Slowly pressing it against ground zero. The ice pack feels amazing on your sore cunt but soon, the cold is biting into your hand. You slowly sink to the kitchen floor and lie on your back. You place the towel wrapped ice pack on The Notorious V.A.G. and a soft sigh escapes your lips.
"This feels fucking wonderful. I’m a genius. Seriously, I deserve awards and shit."
You must have fallen asleep as you’re awoke to the sounds of laughter. You slowly open your eyes to find Tom standing in the kitchen. It takes a minute for your brain to register what is so funny. Then it dawns on you.
"I’m still laying here with an ice pack on my pussy, aren’t I?"
Tom’s face is a bright shade of red as he tries to contain his laughter.
"You…ehehehe..are…ehehehe. Are you…ehehehehe…are you okay?”
Clara and Ben are both doubled over with laughter. You watch as Ben tried to keep his phone steady as he continues to record Drunken Storytime with Tom’s Girlfriend.
Ben slowly regains his composure. He clears his throat as he wipes tears from his eyes.
"You…you had to put an ice pack on your…hahahaha..your vagina?! Oh, I am so so glad I stuck around for this story. It’s the best story I’ve heard in a while.”
Ben’s shoulders start to shake as he stops recording. He quickly starts typing away on his phone. You shrug your shoulders and lean to the left; hoping your arm is sober enough to hold the rest of you up.
Clara raises an eyebrown at Ben.
"What are you doing over there?"
Ben chuckles as he lays his phone down.
"Oh, nothing, just sending Tom a nice video."